In my counselling room, I often have conversations with clients about being hard on themselves or even being their own worst enemy. It is a theme that comes up time and time again. We all have an inner critic - and for some, it is louder and more self-limiting, than others. It is the voice that tells you you’re not good enough or holds you back from trying something in case you fail.
How often do you speak to yourself in a way you would never speak to a friend?
Perhaps you find yourself replaying a conversation, worrying that you said the wrong thing, or focusing on something you wish you had done differently. Maybe you feel you should be coping better, doing more, or somehow managing to keep all the different parts of your life running smoothly.
For many of us, being hard on ourselves has become such a familiar habit that we barely notice it. We might believe that criticising ourselves will motivate us to do better, prevent mistakes or keep us from letting other people down.
Self-compassion is about learning to treat yourself with the same kindness, understanding and patience that you would offer someone you care about. It doesn't mean ignoring your mistakes, avoiding responsibility or pretending that everything is fine. Instead, it means recognising that you are human, that life can be difficult, and that you deserve care and understanding even when things don't go to plan.
The good news is that self-compassion is something you can practise. You don't have to get it right straight away, and you certainly don't need to add another thing to your to-do list. Small, everyday moments can be a good place to start.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion involves responding to yourself with kindness rather than harsh judgement, particularly when you're struggling, feeling inadequate or experiencing something painful.
It can help to think about three elements of self-compassion:
1. Self-kindness rather than self-criticism
This means noticing when you're being hard on yourself and trying to respond with understanding instead. Rather than telling yourself you're useless for making a mistake, you might acknowledge that you were doing your best with the resources you had at the time.
2. Recognising our shared humanity
When we're struggling, it can be easy to feel that we're the only person who finds things difficult. We might compare ourselves with others and assume they are coping better than we are.
Recognising our shared humanity means remembering that making mistakes, feeling overwhelmed, experiencing self-doubt and having difficult emotions are all part of being human. You don't have to be perfect to belong.
3. Mindfulness and emotional awareness
Mindfulness involves noticing what you're experiencing without immediately judging it or trying to push it away. Instead of telling yourself that you shouldn't feel anxious, angry, sad or disappointed, you can acknowledge that the feeling is there and give yourself a little space to understand it.
Together, these three elements can help us develop a more supportive relationship with ourselves.
Ways to practise self-compassion
You don't need to set aside hours of your day to practise self-compassion. Often, it begins with noticing how you respond to yourself in ordinary moments.
Notice your inner critic
We all have an inner voice, but for some of us, that voice can be particularly harsh.
It might tell you that you're not good enough, that you've let someone down, or that you should be able to cope without asking for help. It might focus on everything you haven't done rather than recognising what you have achieved. The first step is simply to notice this voice.
With therapy clients, I often ask them to consider what or who the voice sounds like - sometimes it sounds like ourselves, or maybe a relative, or a past teacher. We might also try to create a visual image of their inner critic to help create some separation between the critic and our sense of self. Sometimes, the visual is a version of ourselves, a relative, or a harsh film critic with specs perched on the end of her nose. Sometimes, it is much more abstract - a dark cloud, a bright jaggy shape. There is no right or wrong way to try this exercise.
Pay attention to the things you say to yourself when you make a mistake, feel overwhelmed or compare yourself with someone else. What words do you use? Would you speak to someone you love in the same way?
You don't have to silence your inner critic or argue with every negative thought. Just recognising that you're being self-critical can create an opportunity to respond differently.
Try this: The next time you notice a critical thought, pause and name it gently: "I'm being really hard on myself right now." This small moment of awareness can help you step back from the thought rather than automatically accepting it as the truth.
Speak to yourself as you would speak to a friend
Imagine that a close friend came to you feeling upset because they'd made a mistake. Perhaps they'd had a difficult day at work, lost their temper with their child, or felt that they'd disappointed someone.
Would you tell them they were useless, that they should have known better, or that they were failing at life?
Probably not. You might listen, acknowledge how difficult things felt, help them see the situation more clearly and remind them that one difficult moment doesn't define them.
Now consider how you speak to yourself in similar situations.
Self-compassion involves extending some of that same understanding towards yourself. You can acknowledge that you've made a mistake without deciding that you are a bad person. You can recognise that you wish you'd handled something differently while still treating yourself with respect.
Try this: When you're struggling, ask yourself, "What would I say to a friend who was feeling this way?" Then see whether you can offer yourself a little of that same kindness.
You might find it helpful to write down what you would say to your friend and read it back to yourself.
Allow yourself to feel what you feel
Sometimes, our self-criticism is directed not at what we've done, but at what we're feeling. We tell ourselves that we shouldn't be anxious, that we have no right to feel upset, or that other people have it worse and we should be grateful for what we have.
Although these thoughts might come from a wish to keep things in perspective, they can leave us feeling even more alone with our emotions.
Self-compassion doesn't require you to like how you feel or to act on every emotion. It simply means allowing yourself to acknowledge your experience without adding another layer of judgement.
You can feel grateful for parts of your life and still find things difficult. You can love someone and feel frustrated with them. You can know that other people are struggling and still recognise that your own pain matters.
Try this: When a difficult emotion arises, see if you can replace "I shouldn't feel this way" with "I'm feeling this way right now, and I can give myself some space to understand why." You don't have to fix the feeling immediately. Sometimes, being able to acknowledge it is enough to begin with.
Let go of the idea that you have to be perfect
Perfectionism can sometimes look like having high standards or being conscientious, but it can also leave us feeling that nothing we do is ever quite good enough.
We might spend hours worrying about getting something right, struggle to make decisions for fear of making the wrong one, or feel that we have failed if we don't meet our own expectations.
Often, the standards we set ourselves are much higher than those we would expect of anyone else.
Practising self-compassion means recognising that being human involves making mistakes, changing our minds, learning as we go and sometimes getting things wrong.
You can still have goals and take responsibility for your actions without expecting yourself to be flawless.
Try this: Think of one area of your life where you put pressure on yourself to get everything right. Ask yourself:
Is this expectation realistic?
Where did I learn that I need to meet this standard?
What would be good enough in this situation?
What might I gain by allowing myself to be imperfect?
You might not be ready to let go of your expectations completely, and that's okay. Simply questioning them can be a useful starting point.
Make space for your own needs
It's easy to become so focused on looking after other people, meeting responsibilities and keeping everything going that we lose touch with what we need ourselves. We might feel guilty for resting, struggle to say no, or believe that asking for help means we're not coping.
Self-compassion involves recognising that your needs matter too. Rest, connection, time alone, emotional support and enjoyment aren't rewards you have to earn by doing enough first.
Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to take a break. Sometimes it's asking someone for help, setting a boundary or acknowledging that you have reached your limit.
This isn't about always putting yourself first. It's about recognising that you are a person who deserves consideration, rather than someone whose needs must always come last.
Try this: Pause for a moment and ask yourself, "What do I need right now?"
The answer might be a cup of tea, a walk outside, a conversation with someone you trust, or permission to leave something unfinished. You may not always be able to meet that need immediately, but you can begin by recognising it.
Practise a little self-compassion when things go wrong
Self-compassion can be particularly difficult to access when we're upset, overwhelmed or disappointed in ourselves. These are often the moments when we need it most.
One simple approach is to pause and work through three questions:
What am I experiencing? Acknowledge what is happening without minimising it or criticising yourself for feeling this way.
What might I need right now? Consider whether you need reassurance, rest, practical help, perspective or simply a little time.
How can I respond kindly? Think about one small thing you could do or say that would support you through this moment.
For example, if you've had a difficult day and feel that you've achieved very little, you might notice the thought, "I've wasted the whole day."
You could pause and recognise that you're feeling disappointed and tired. You might remind yourself that not every day will go to plan, and that struggling doesn't mean you've failed. Then you could consider what would help you now, whether that's resting, asking for support or choosing one manageable task.
The aim isn't to convince yourself that everything is wonderful. It's to respond to what's happening with honesty and kindness rather than making a difficult situation harder through self-criticism.
Remember that self-compassion takes practice
If you've spent years being hard on yourself, treating yourself with kindness might feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable.
You might find yourself dismissing positive thoughts, feeling undeserving of compassion or worrying that being kinder to yourself will make you lazy, complacent or less accountable.
These reactions don't mean you're doing it wrong. They may simply reflect how accustomed you've become to approaching yourself in a particular way.
You don't even have to believe every compassionate thought straight away. You can begin by experimenting with a different response and noticing how it feels. Sometimes, it is easier to start with a more neutral thought than jumping straight from negative/critical to positive/compassionate.
There will be times when you forget, fall back into familiar habits or find kindness difficult to access. When that happens, you can practise self-compassion towards the part of you that is struggling to be self-compassionate.
Does self-compassion mean letting yourself off the hook?
It's a common concern that being kinder to ourselves might mean making excuses, avoiding responsibility or failing to change things that need to change.
But self-compassion isn't about pretending that we never get things wrong. It's about recognising that we can take responsibility for our actions without attacking ourselves as people.
You can apologise when you've hurt someone, reflect on a mistake, make changes or work towards a difficult goal while still treating yourself with respect.
In fact, when we're not consumed by shame or fear of failure, it can be easier to look honestly at our behaviour, acknowledge what needs to change and consider how to move forward.
Self-compassion isn't about removing accountability. It's about approaching ourselves in a way that allows room for learning, repair and growth.
What if I find it difficult to be kind to myself?
For some people, self-compassion feels incredibly difficult.
Perhaps you've learned that being hard on yourself is how you stay motivated. Perhaps you've spent a long time prioritising other people's needs, or you grew up believing that mistakes were unacceptable. You might worry that if you stop criticising yourself, you'll lose control or fall short of your responsibilities.
Sometimes, being kind to ourselves can bring up feelings of discomfort, vulnerability or sadness. It can be difficult to offer ourselves something we haven't experienced much of before.
If this resonates with you, there's no need to force it. You don't have to jump straight to positive affirmations or tell yourself things you don't believe.
You might begin with something more neutral, such as, "I'm finding this difficult," or "I'm willing to try a different way of responding to myself."
If self-compassion feels out of reach, it can also help to explore where your self-critical voice comes from, what purpose it serves and what you're afraid might happen if you become less critical of yourself.
This is something you can explore in counselling, at a pace that feels comfortable for you.
How counselling can help you develop self-compassion
Our relationship with ourselves can influence how we experience relationships, manage difficult emotions, respond to challenges and navigate periods of change.
Sometimes, the critical voice in our heads has become so familiar that we struggle to imagine another way of being. We may understand intellectually that we deserve kindness but find it difficult to put that understanding into practice.
Counselling offers a space to explore these patterns with curiosity rather than judgement. Together, we can look at where your self-criticism comes from, how it affects you and what might help you develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
There isn't a single approach that works for everyone. Depending on your needs, counselling might involve exploring past experiences, recognising unhelpful thought patterns, developing ways to manage difficult emotions or learning to recognise and communicate your needs.
The aim isn't to become someone who never doubts themselves or experiences difficult feelings. It's to develop a way of relating to yourself that allows for imperfection, acknowledges your needs and supports you through life's challenges.
If you're finding it difficult to be kind to yourself, you don't have to work through that alone.
I offer counselling online and in person in Edinburgh, supporting people through a range of challenges and life experiences.
If you'd like to explore how counselling might help you, you're welcome to get in touch.
