Letting go of unrealistic expectations
I’m a counsellor in Edinburgh specialising in supporting women during pregnancy and motherhood, and while you might think counsellors have it all figured out - we don’t.
I was talking to a friend this week about letting go of unrealistic expectations, especially as parents. Maybe you can relate...
In the first few years of motherhood I felt like I *had to* make homemade cakes for my daughter's birthdays and I *had to* have a spotlessly clean house if I had visitors.
It took years to realise these self-imposed expectations were partly because that's what my mum did. However, it wasn't a fair comparison. My mum didn't work when I was little. Meanwhile, at the time of my ✨Big Realisation✨ I had two young children, a business to run, while also studying for a postgraduate diploma and working at two counselling placements 🤯
Unravelling these behaviours required curiosity about WHY I was doing them - the core belief at the heart of them. The truth is, I thought I *had to* do these things to be a Good Mum, because my mum did them and she is a Good Mum (a great mum, actually). However, baking a cake and having a clean house are not what makes her, or me, or anyone, a Good Mum.
What is far more important (imho) is making sure I have the capacity to meet my own and my children's emotional, physical and psychological needs. Running myself ragged *Doing All The Things* does not allow me to do that.
So, I let go. I buy cakes from Tesco. My house is clean enough (usually) but lived-in. There are toys out and a constant Stair Pile (IYKYK). There's still more for me to unpick, don't get me wrong, but I've made a start and maybe you can too:
1. Start with curiosity about WHY you do something a particular way (harder than it sounds)
2. Then, what do you worry it would say about you if you DIDN'T do it this way?
3. Finally, is that TRUE?
e.g. I make homemade birthday cakes because I want to be a Good Mum. If I don't, people will think I'm a Bad Mum. No, that's not true, I'm a Good Mum for a whole load of other reasons.
What do you think? Do you have your own examples? Comment or send me a DM in private if you prefer.
The whole point in exploring this is to live free of other people's expectations and make more space for balance, ease and happiness 💜 I hope this helps. If you think this is something you struggle with, maybe counselling could help. I’d be happy to have a chat about the ways in which we could work together to help you live a life free (or at least more free) from other people’s expectations.
